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Open Letter To The First Lady

Auntie Patience,

Good mornin’, ma. I know say you no sabi me. My name na Osemhen, and I get one business wey I wan make we discuss. D tin consan the campaign wey you dey helep our Presido, Uncle Jo and all im ‘umblerra’ friends do.

Auntie, you try. Even though you no too sabi English, you dey make effort. You dey try relate wit your pipul, try console dem. But dem be ingrate! You know say for dis we kontri, pipul plenty wey get bad mouth. Na so dem go sidon, dey laff wetin you talk wen you give speech. Instead make dem understand the message wey you get for mind, dem go dey find mistake for the English. Dem laff wen you talk say Uncle Jo and Bros. Namadi “is good people.” Even say the English no beta, shey dem no sabi say you been wan say Uncle Jo and Bros. Namadi na beta person? Which one come hard for dere? Abi, na the one wen you talk say “the people sitting before you here were once a children” ? Shey dat one no mean say everybodi, one time or another, be pikin? Why dem come dey laff you?

Auntie, no mind dem. Na bad bele dey worry dem. Dem say you no sabi spik English. Na English be your papa language? Queen of England sabi spik Ijaw? Michelle Obama sabi Ijaw? Abegi! No answer dem! Me, I be correct person. I sabi say you dey try. You wan helep Uncle Jo win presido. I wan helep you helep am. I get three options for you so.

courtesy nigeriaplus.com

One, I go helep you write your speech in perfect English. Dat’s right. Me, I go school so I sabi this English well well. I go write the speech give you. You go read am, practice am for mirror, carry am for head.

Two, If the English pass your power, I go write am for pidgin. Everybodi for dis we kontri, sabi pidgin. Dem go understand wetin you talk. In fact, d tin be say, if you spik English too much, all dose market women dem and workman no go sabi. So, pidgin all the way. Wen Uncle Jo enter power, we go make Pidgin (South-South style) official language for dis kontri.

Three, If that one pass your power too, I go carry my friend wey be Ijaw. We go sidon translate am from English reach Ijaw. Then when you dey give speech, the English one go dey scroll for big screen wey go dey your back. Or you fit do like dose Pastors dem, you talk one for Ijaw, person go stand with you talk am for English. The tin no make sense?

Make I know whether you like this idea. My money no go too cost. We go discuss dat one wen we see. Thank you, Auntie. Greet Uncle Jo.

Your Pikin, Osemhen

p.s. Please share this with as many people, you never know who might have a direct link to her 😉 I just might get the job! I promise I’ll share the salary! 🙂

0 Comments

  1. Osemhen! Osemhen! Osemhen! How many times wey i call you? Three times, abi?
    Osemhen, you don dey find big man trouble. My hand no dey o! When kasala burst…

    Anyway, i no bad say you wan’ helep our first lady o. in fact, the solutions wey you outline for the letter go help am well, well. At least, dem dey practicable. But my friend been talk say, if say him be Oga Jonathan, him go carry him wife go London, just forget her there for like 6 months. Make she go do one English course. By the time wey she go return, she go don tush wella.

    Well done, Osemhen. Wetin again i fit talk?

    • haha! I’m offering to help!
      But this ur idea, e make sense die. But she no go pay for that one now! No, oh. My idea still stands!

  2. Dina says

    And am d “handful”?! Lmao. U know I had d same solution n even an option 4: Hire a hostess! In d US when there’s no first lady a hostess dubbed “d white House hostess” is hired to do all d socializing. Alternatively, we really don’t need a first lady so stay out of d media!

    • See, it’s people like you that are the ‘bad bele’. Who said we don’t need First Lady? Then who will be following Presido on all his waka? Who will they be inviting to tea with the Queen? Who will be jetsetting to Dubai and rubbing shoulders with Queen Rania of Jordan? Don’t spoil business for people oh! lol 🙂

      I only sanction this your idea of a hostess if i get to be said hostess. Or we could have a pageant, yeah? Like D’banj’s Koko Mansion…hmmm, idea bulb!

  3. carleasing says

    I just can’t stop laughing… In deed, you’re a genius! I thro-way salute 😀

  4. Lisa says

    Girl………
    Na you Biko…. I dey gbadun dis your yans no be small.
    even including all your suggetions, no mind that jagajaga Chioma wey wan carry money wey den supose spend here go uk go learn language wey dem no nid…..
    abeg when pepper rest no forget us……

  5. fatai oyewuwo says

    Superb! Incredible! Bravo! Great job, I recommended u for National Honorary Federal Award

  6. wow!Dame nor go vex,your idea bam!at least we nor go hear gbagaun for her speech again.had to post this on my blog,shared on twitter and facebook..make i dey the film o!lwkmd!nice stuff.

  7. jamilah says

    my dear,na tru talk u suggest so for aunty patient o!but e need make uncle joe try enroll her 4 skl 4 london so dt d english go bam small.but if uncle joe no gree u option na d best one ok.i dey feel u no be small.u fit asighn me as ur p.a if d job land n d pay ok.i dey laugh!

  8. Hmmmn!
    Yesterday, tinubu yan, sss carry am!
    Today, u yan…..no say i no tell u o!
    Ps: nice humor

  9. Festus says

    So I’m not quite sure why some people think the writer could get in trouble for this post.
    Last I checked, we lived in a democracy where freedom of expression is an inalienable human right.
    Sultana did not insult/slander/malign/libel anyone in this post. Merely pointed out a matter of personal concern and highlighted suggestions. Sure, she did it in a funny way but maybe this country’s problem is that we take the wrong things too seriously!
    And she did say that Mrs. Jonathan shouldn’t be blamed because English is not her native tongue.
    Oh, girl…you try. No answer all dis people….:)

  10. Justina chigozie-Udeh says

    Osemhen….i’ve read dis ova and ova again! I cant help smiling and laughing. And they r practicable….Uncle Joe shld consider u 4 our image sake o! Welludone o! Nice one

  11. Rahma says

    Crazy much,I will forward only for my share of the salary. Nicely done,truly cracked me up 🙂

  12. OKI ABIODUN says

    Osemhen humorous no doubt…However , I still think we should not laugh and forget the central issue here…Especially Nigeria’s leadership.

    Nigerian youths please let’s vote right in the forthcoming elections…
    Vote for a president with vision…Do not sell your votes…

    God Bless Nigeria.

    Engr. Oki A.F

    • Yes, oh! True talk, how could I forget that?

      It’s not First Lady we vote for, o. It’s Presido.
      So please, people, vote according to your consciences.
      In fact, any one that offers to buy your vote, blow whistle!! Let us all know…

  13. uche says

    Abeg!less talkin eh,go press ya hand in umblerra,only solution to our problems

  14. Jay says

    U just said my mind, dat woman shuld stop appearing in public abeg… She dey fall uncle Jo. hand, me dey wonder where dem for meet sef….

  15. Jide adeyeye says

    Leave d woman alone ooo.Na english we wan chop at least she no go do surgery to flatten her tummy.Well,na so.If e sabi speak english like wole soyinka and her husband no win nko???Make she speak her ijaw anyone way wan hear ram make dem translate.We too attach to dis english.A beg,make una leave d woman alone

  16. igbosly says

    This is very Recreational to the Suffering and Smilling Nigerians, more of Stuff like this to take our Minds away from the Real Issues at hand. Nigerian Politicians -(The Past, Present and About to be Elected) like stuff like this very much. Let us stop fooling ourselves, enough is enough; when are we going to wake up from our slumber? It’s a pity though.

  17. Bade says

    These are the available solutions. Right on point. I hope she contacts you real soon.

  18. Nath Zack says

    Well! The essence of communication is to be understood. We still get her points inspite of d grammatical mistakes!
    However, if it is true that she graduated from a University , then am afraid, she didn’t apply herself!
    There is room for improvement though. Plus Nigerians should face the real issues- vote wisely!
    Finally, thanks to the first lady for the comic reliefs!

  19. Lékan Ògúntúndé says

    Thanks Osemhen!!!
    Your Open Letter To The First Lady is a BOMB! Its full of creativity! With people like You we could build a NEW MOTHERLAND(NIGERIA) without this nowadays UNEDUCATED, REGRESSIVE, ENEMY-OF-DEVELOPED NIGERIA, CALLOUS, HYPOCRATIC AND WACKO RULING CLASS!!!

  20. habibu usman says

    Who talk sey Dame patience no sabi English…Just as beauty is in the eyes of the beholder so is spoken English in the ears of the hearer…No be so…Fire on aunty…Na ur English we go take remember u when u leave office…

  21. Chalz says

    I will pay for ur service to her. She dare not say NO, for National Interest. I will personally talk to her to allow the Vice President’s wife to represent her or Tinubu’s

  22. DANIEL OKPANI I says

    hahahahahaha….. heeiii.. 9aija. na d speech una de listin or una de cross chek her mistake? i de heil una. we no wan chop grama rada beta man 4 power na em we need 4 change. …hahaha. fest mama cari go.

  23. pa_hams says

    Nne,me i dey ‘jobless’ and i go need job from you when you don get the ‘office’.Since Hashim don apply for PA,make me i be the PA to your PA…hope u understand…as per ‘quota system’ and ‘national cake’ level na.lol

  24. That’s such a funny post, that it was a bit hard getting through the pidgin. I wonder if Dame Jonathan listens to anyone. Maybe she think there’s no need as water don pass gari.

    Cool blog all round, came over from the bookaholic link.

    • OMG! Myne Whitman visited my blog!

      Lol… thank you, glad you like it. Yeah, pidgin is not my strong point, reading aloud had me wincing at some parts…I guess me sef I need lessons!

  25. jameelah says

    Na una get mouth! Make una continue dey yarn. Aunty ‘dame’ dey aso rock. By now, chef don dey make her b/fast wey even tea I neva see wack. But abeg, sultana, tell her I deal in ardyss body magic. She won’t bliv d result. She would also need a stylist! All those rainbow color…

  26. GEJ says

    Have u heard of the “Patience law” passed by the house of assembly? It was made to make it possible to arrest and prosecute people who make “uncouth” statements about the first lady. Just saying…

  27. Many things dey happen for dis our country ooo. At least her message was understood clearly. If landlord sleep with tenant wife,na tenant go go.if na tenant sleep with landlord wife,na tenant go still go. It is better for the tenant to sleep and go so dat he no go loose for d two side. She is speaking Ijaw english. God bless nigeria.

  28. nna mehhhnnnn, no b sey na chaiss, you yan scatter, you yan am as e b. I trowey salute o! Me neva hear first lady yan b4 btu dis 1 wen she no con fit to dey yan correct inglish, na wahzz mehn. Wer dis kontri dey go, na only God and im people sabi. Sha e go beta. Abeg try help am condense her yans enter sontin wen man pikin fit hear without calculator.

    Nice post. Pidgin is sure an interesting way to convey feelings 🙂

    • Hehe!

      Thanks…it is, right? But it gets tedious sometimes, doesn’t lend itself easily to long pieces and convoluted sentences.

  29. Benjazzy says

    guy u 2 much,no wori oga Jo, go open school of English studies so dat him go employ u 2 teach madam English,bt u go dey vry careful mak u no liv ENGLISH enter REPRODUCTION for BIOLOGY…oooh,Oga Joe go kpai u oooh.
    U 2 much,one luv.

  30. elvis says

    Osemhen,i lyk as u dey show ur wafi xtics as a bini girl(esan).u too much.i juz lyk as u dey trowey am as e be.u no even hide d mata.u just dey “knack d nail 4 d head” .u 2 mch.Sista,no wori,ma papa na IG of police broda frnd.i dey ur back.Carry go…….shhuuuuu?how i go 4get.na we 2 go share d money.u no now…:)
    Welldone….Well said.

  31. YUSUF olatunji says

    Quite fantastik.Mehn, I respect ur ingenuity…I just cudn’t stop lafin !

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  34. Ovie says

    come na my mama u dey styl styl yab like this, i go tell am make she come read am for ur site. na cain she go take flog ur yash

  35. Tarela says

    For some reason, I’m on this page, reading stuff but this I couldn’t finish ‘cos pidgin is so no my “forte”. You should offer her translator services instead so everyone’s a winner.

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