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To My Network Provider

Dear Network Provider,


Odd, isn’t it, how my text messages bounce back but the ones that political parties send me, the ones that you send me, manage to find their way to my inbox. Odd that.

Odd, isn’t it, that you advertise a certain “bundle” for a certain amount and then when I register for it, I find out that the associated data allowance has been conveniently discontinued. Odd that.

Odd, isn’t it, that data-sapping Snaptu opens Facebook and Twitter effortlessly but my phone’s browser will not open Gmail or Yahoomail on pain of death. Really odd that.

It’s odd that you persist in inundating me with ads that advertise all sorts of call rates to all sorts of people. And yet, I cannot find out how to set up my voicemail without navigating, in endless circles, syrupy voice prompts. Odd that.

It’s odd that I spend the entire morning trying to download a 125kB document and then you have the effrontery to send me a text message that my time limit of 100 hours/month will soon be up. You think?

Much as I derive a certain pleasure from seeing really cool ads, I do not want to call anyone in the UK or US or China for peanuts. We have Skype. I do not want to talk to “That Special Someone” for free. All the special people in my life love me enough to burn their airtime. I do not want 10% of my airtime back, I do not want free SMSs, I do not want a chance to win a car, fridge or a ticket to see Wayne Rooney in person.

I want my phone to work. I want to make and receive calls easily. I want to open my Gmail on my phone on the FIRST try. I want your yes to be your yes and your no to be no. If there is a problem with your network, I do not want apologies. I want you to fix them. Immediately.

I will only say this once. The next time I try to book a flight and the network suddenly drops, causing me to refresh the page and  discover (to my horror) that the prices have crept up 10K…the next time that happens, I am mobilizing boys and blowing up the next base station. You have been warned.


Disgruntled Customer.


  1. aye aye!

    i love the new look….black on white is always good on the eyes…for those of us who have been avoiding having to use glasses…

    • Right? Brown’s my favourite colour but peeps were complaining it was hard to read so… all for you!

  2. hear hear!!!!! gud one dear…altho considering how intellectual ur rant was I dont think they’ll believe the last paragraph…to sey u don show dem sey u get Niger Delta blood for body…ehen…dat time dem go believe…lol

  3. mercy says

    wowowow, some one is not happy and i like the way she has been able to express it on paper.

  4. i thought i was the only one mad that i can’t set up a proper voicemail. I just grit my teeth and hope for better things, defeatist but wetin man go do

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