Good mornin’, ma. I know say you no sabi me. My name na Osemhen, and I get one business wey I wan make we discuss. D tin consan the campaign wey you dey helep our Presido, Uncle Jo and all im ‘umblerra’ friends do.
Auntie, you try. Even though you no too sabi English, you dey make effort. You dey try relate wit your pipul, try console dem. But dem be ingrate! You know say for dis we kontri, pipul plenty wey get bad mouth. Na so dem go sidon, dey laff wetin you talk wen you give speech. Instead make dem understand the message wey you get for mind, dem go dey find mistake for the English. Dem laff wen you talk say Uncle Jo and Bros. Namadi “is good people.” Even say the English no beta, shey dem no sabi say you been wan say Uncle Jo and Bros. Namadi na beta person? Which one come hard for dere? Abi, na the one wen you talk say “the people sitting before you here were once a children” ? Shey dat one no mean say everybodi, one time or another, be pikin? Why dem come dey laff you?
Auntie, no mind dem. Na bad bele dey worry dem. Dem say you no sabi spik English. Na English be your papa language? Queen of England sabi spik Ijaw? Michelle Obama sabi Ijaw? Abegi! No answer dem! Me, I be correct person. I sabi say you dey try. You wan helep Uncle Jo win presido. I wan helep you helep am. I get three options for you so.
One, I go helep you write your speech in perfect English. Dat’s right. Me, I go school so I sabi this English well well. I go write the speech give you. You go read am, practice am for mirror, carry am for head.
Two, If the English pass your power, I go write am for pidgin. Everybodi for dis we kontri, sabi pidgin. Dem go understand wetin you talk. In fact, d tin be say, if you spik English too much, all dose market women dem and workman no go sabi. So, pidgin all the way. Wen Uncle Jo enter power, we go make Pidgin (South-South style) official language for dis kontri.
Three, If that one pass your power too, I go carry my friend wey be Ijaw. We go sidon translate am from English reach Ijaw. Then when you dey give speech, the English one go dey scroll for big screen wey go dey your back. Or you fit do like dose Pastors dem, you talk one for Ijaw, person go stand with you talk am for English. The tin no make sense?
Make I know whether you like this idea. My money no go too cost. We go discuss dat one wen we see. Thank you, Auntie. Greet Uncle Jo.
Your Pikin, Osemhen
p.s. Please share this with as many people, you never know who might have a direct link to her 😉 I just might get the job! I promise I’ll share the salary! 🙂