Faith, Love. Life.
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Story of a Bleeding Heart

Kosidinma, my friend’s son passed away last week. His mother, Ehimemen wrote this for him.

Words cannot express the pain I feel at your demise.

You entered my life and made me feel like finally I had a purpose. A purpose that was mine only. Suddenly I knew I owed someone, I knew I owed you a responsibility to raise you as God wants. You gave me sleepless nights but it was all worth it because the look and satisfaction you gave after each feeding was priceless.

 We had a connection which no one understood. Whenever I heard you cry, even when I knew you were having your bath, I jumped out of bed to watch just to make sure your crying was not for something that could have been avoided. 

When people came to congratulate me, I was proud of the child I had begotten and created; bright, tall, independent and a whole lot more. I looked forward to your growing up because I felt you were going to be the next Albert Einstein… (haha).

The smell of your hair was priceless, a fragrance your dad could not resist. Your skin, glowing like the sun shone on it each time it was revealed. Your facial expressions I still make in remembrance of you. Whenever you had a scratch or something, I would always call a doctor to make sure everything was okay and it was.

 The night I took you to the hospital, I hoped that night would be the same. When you had to be admitted and I watched the doctors do all they did, I realized that it was not as simple anymore. When you started recovering, I felt happy to take you home and couldn’t wait to breastfeed you.

The night you passed away, I felt something was wrong but couldn’t place it. I rushed to quickly have my bath so I could sit and sleep with you as always, only to be called from the bathroom that you had passed away. I carried my active son and you felt so cold and calm with no life. I could not stand the pain and differences between you alive and you gone. It was just too much for me to bear. Your bright skin became darker with each passing day. Your smell suddenly changed and I couldn’t recognize my son…. 

I prayed for God to bring you back to me and I still pray but this emptiness I feel when I sleep, waiting for my mums to come wake me up to feed you is forever there. I go to your room to smell the clothes you last wore before going to the hospital to remember. People say I should smile and move on and I am trying but they can never understand how I feel every day, knowing you won’t live it with me.

The smiles and cheer can be deceiving because that is what they want to see but my heart melts each time and prays for you to return to me….. I love you my dear Kosidinma Ehimen Alim and I can’t write everything I feel but in this small note, wherever you are, just know there is someone who loves and adores you so much and I am sorry for letting you go like this.

12 Comments

  1. Eliana says

    I lost my baby too at 17weeks so I know how she feels. It doesn’t feel like I am ever gonna heal up in my spirit. It hurts to smile to people so that they won’t pity me but I smile all the same but weep all d tym.
    I keep asking why but all I get is a deafening silence. God will give us a rainbow n huge sunshine for our thunder storms.

  2. Mitchell Awah says

    Oh goodness I am so sorry for your loss! I have a nephew 18 months old and another barely 12hrs old and I can imagine how I’ll feel if I lost either of them much less how my sister will feel. Please be comforted. It is good that you believe in God so you know he’s gone back to rest with Our Father. I don’t think you should let anyone tell you how long to grieve. Grieve it out. May the soul of Kosidinma and the souls of all the faithful departed rest in peace. Amen.

  3. Nkeiru says

    This made me cry so much. I’m really sorry for your loss. I cant imagine how you must feel. May God comfort you and give you a reason to truly smile again

  4. Awww so touching.. But I believe God has got great plans for u,pls grieve it all out now cos the child dats coming ur way is gonna live long that u wont know how to grieve but to b ever joyful.Have faith hun

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